He wasn’t a big gambler, just the occasional lottery ticket or sports bet, like many of us. Harmless fun, until he discovered online poker. It started small. A few euros here and there. Then came a hand where he was down to his last chips. He needed a seven of hearts to win. The tension was thick. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. The card flipped… seven of hearts! A small win, but the rush was intoxicating. It felt like he’d conquered something. That feeling, that rush, was all it took.
Before he knew it, John was spending hours at his computer, or on the phone, chasing that next big win. The problem was, those big wins were rare. The losses piled up, each one chipping away at his confidence and his bank balance. He started playing with higher stakes, convinced he could recoup his losses with one big hand. One night, he lost a particularly large sum. The amount was a blur, but the feeling of dread was sharp. He checked his savings account. The automatic transfers he’d set up years ago, the money he’d been diligently saving for a down payment on a house — it was all gone.
He couldn’t believe what had just happened. The shame was overwhelming. He felt sick to his stomach. He knew he had a problem, but the pull of the game was still strong. He must win it back! He thought about the future he’d planned, the house, the security. It was all slipping away. He closed his banking app, his hands shaking. He needed to get that money back. There was so much of it on those virtual poker tables. Just a couple of good hands, that’s all he needed. That’s all he could think of.
Walking home, his mind was a whirlwind of regret and desperation. He felt trapped, like he was drowning in his own bad choices. The constant reminder of his losses was a heavy burden, weighing him down and making it impossible to think clearly. He thought about his friends, his family, the disappointment he would bring. He glanced up at the sky, a mix of anger and despair churning inside him. He barely noticed the car until it was too late.
John woke up in the hospital, a bandage wrapped around his head. “You were really lucky, young man!” said the doctor with that supportive smile only doctors over a certain age can truly master. “A mild concussion and a couple of bruises.” Then he waved at the phone on the table next to John’s bed: “I bet your phone wouldn’t wish to get away with so little damage. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do for it.” Still smiling, the doctor left the room.
John didn’t remember the accident, and, as he very soon realized, neither could he recall anything from the past weeks. Older memories were still there; just the more recent ones seemed to have vanished.
“It’s like when your computer freezes while you’re writing something. Half an hour’s worth of typing is gone,” he tried to explain his memory situation to his mates, once he felt better and returned to his normal life.
John might have been joking as usual with his friends, but when he was alone, waves of confusion kept coming and washing over him. As more and more details eventually came back, he realized something was missing. A nagging sense of unease settled in his gut. There was a blank space where important pieces of his life should be.
Days turned into weeks, and John slowly began to rebuild his life. He returned to work, picked up his old hobbies, and tried to put the accident behind him. But that nagging feeling wouldn’t go away. There was something significant missing, a puzzle piece that didn’t fit.
A couple of months after the accident, John was finally settling back into his normal routine. Then one day, while trying to restore all his phone content, he stumbled upon an unfamiliar app in the list — an online poker client. He didn’t remember downloading the app, let alone playing.
With growing dread, John reinstalled it, recovered the lost password, and started going through the transaction history. His blood ran cold as the truth dawned on him. Thousands of pounds, gone. The nagging feeling he’d been trying to ignore finally made sense. It wasn’t just a random gap in his memory; it was a gaping hole filled with bad decisions and financial ruin.
John stared at the screen, his mind racing. Thousands of euros — it was a staggering amount of money. He blinked in disbelief. How could he have been so reckless? And where did that money come from? It was only a second before he thought of his savings account. He rarely looked into it, knowing he still needed to be saving for a couple of years more. A cold dread crept over him as he realized the horrifying truth.
The shame and guilt he’d mercifully forgotten thanks to the accident now came crashing back, stronger than ever. Memories began appearing like ghosts in a twilight mist. And this time, they told him everything.
As devastated as John was, there was something he had never imagined he’d feel: fear far greater than the shame. The disgust was so bitter that no dreams of gambling fortunes could be sweet enough to lure him back into the game. The lost and found memory of his encounter with gambling addiction had now become a stark reminder of the destruction it caused. In that moment, John knew with absolute certainty that he would never even think of recovering that loss. He suddenly felt strangely happy to be at square one.
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The story was first published on Medium on January 31, 2025.
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