There’s something perfect in how this moment arrived after the doubt spiral, after the fear, after the I don’t even know why I’m going. As if the garden gate answered softly: You don’t need to know yet. Just walk toward the light, pause when something calls, and let calm meet you on the way.
Coming back from my walk, café, and Lidl shopping, nonstop thinking about my upcoming journey to Africa, feeling scared and insecure, I eventually came to a conclusion: it’s okay to just drift for a while. To not know where — and, more importantly, why - I’m going. Not knowing why I want to go. Not even sure if I really want to go.
Just before I began climbing the steep hill to the apartment, I thought I could write about all these days, feelings, and events on Medium. Nobody reads my articles there anyway; it’s a peaceful platform where
I could be comfortable being just one of many, many other writers.
Near the top of the hill, I stopped, drawn by an open gate to the garden that is normally closed.
I couldn’t resist taking a picture. It felt like a special opportunity - because it actually was. The light was beautiful, and an old soul of a photographer woke up.
And then, as I walked up to the door of the apartment a few minutes later, I suddenly realized how calm I felt. After being so not-calm for hours and hours today.
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The article was published on Medium on September 9, 2025.
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